What the Hell?
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
  Do you remember me on my birthday, I know that your busy with your new boyfriend, I read about him all the time, you are jealous of his ex-girlfriend it would make me happy if he cheated on you with her, so you could feel a little bit of my pain. I am sitting here with this bottle of beer wondering if you remembered it, My Birthday. 
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
  I started this thing on another site but decided it fit in better here so I moved it over and changed it just a little bit.

November 4,
Well I got back from a 10 mile Roadmarch/Parachute assault mission thing today and it sucked my butt is totally chaffed it hurts like crazy to sit down, also my back is soar and I have no one to give me a back rub days like today I miss not having a girlfriend the most. I am still thinking about going to Iraq if I do it will be on the 2nd of December. I should know by the end of the week but my Grandma is really sick again and so I don't know if I should because everyone is worried she won't live until I get back. SO anyhow as if that wasn't bad enough alone my latest attempt at romance went all to hell I crashed and burned big time with a girl at work that I liked and now I have to see her every day and it is way to wierd. Did I mention my ass hurts? Well I am going to bed.

October 24,

Wow it has been a while, anyhow today sucked, We had this stupid after action report about Afghanistan and every time somebody tried to bring up a problem that needed addressing the officer who's fault it would have been that there was a problem there was like that wasn't really a problem and than changed the subject, it was sickening I still want to puke, that is why we are goign to lose to these people politcs grabassing shoulder scratching cover my own ass bull shit is going to destroy everything that we cherish. And it sickens me. So on this note I am going to tell you another Afghanistan story, when I was over there there were 3 American Infantry batalions conducting operations over there one was the 2nd of the 504th PIR they were morons. When we went on the mission they told us to pack 4 days of supplies so we did, two days later they flew in a bunch of food and water by helicopter but we didn't have room to carry it with us so what did we do give it to the Afghans who were tickled with gettign thier hands on our garbage? Nope we burned it in front of them. HAHAHAHA We burned water bottled water that the government bought than flew to Afghanistan than put on a helicopter to where we were so that about 5 hours later we could pour diesel fuel all over it and start it on fire with a $150 Thermite grenade, but that is nothign the shipping costs to get a pallet of water out to where we were ran at a minimum $5000, your tax dollars at work than we burned it in front of thirsty people who had nothign to do with Al Qaeda or the Taliban they were just born in the shit hole of a country, yah we made a lot of friends that day. So anyhow we are going to lose this thing only because we are stupid, we are doign it in Afghanistan I saw it with my own eyes and so you can be pretty sure we are doign it in Iraq to people are dying because of this bullshit, well I willstop ranting for now.

October 15,

I am thinking about volunteering to go to Iraq. I found out they were taking volunteers to go over for a few months, and it would kind of throw a wrench in my college plans for after I get out but I think I would be more comfortable there than here. Crazy huh?

October 11th,

Well I was just feeling really down after cutting and pasting all that stuff, and then I saw all the messages that people left me. And well you people are great. SO I am going to try and write you all . Anyhow Here is my first Afghanistan story it is funny to balance out that other stuff. And by the way yes my First name is McKinley.

We were out on a mission and had camped out on the top of this little mesa in some abandonded buildings. We parked the Prophet (That is the name of the truck I rode around in over there) next to a stable and set up the cots inside the stable to be out of the rain and wind it smelled pretty bad, you know how week old urine hay smells but it was better than the cold. Pretty soon we were having an argument about whether or not we were sleeping in a manger or a stable the manger is the thing that holds the hay for the animals in a stable but my team leader who will go unnamed insisted that he was sleeping in a manger just like Jesus Christ did I got sick of arguing and stepped out to the edge of the Mesa. Down below there was an Afghan guy with his son and daughter trying to put a bundle of wood on the back of a donkey. The donkey bucked the wood off and ran away, so they threw rocks at it and chased it around for a while until they finally caught the man held on to it while the kids put the wood on him again. This whole struggle had been goign on for liek a half hour and I had called over the others to watch because it was pretty funny. SO they finally get the wood on and the donkey kicks it off and tries to run but than the guy put's the Donkey in a WWF headlock and punches it as hard as he can right in the face. It was hilarious. It was in February 2003 by border guard checkpoint #1 in Khowst Province.

October 10,

Well everyone else is baring their souls on here so I figured I would too. Maybe it will be good for me. I was engaged to a girl that I loved very much more than any woman in my life, more thatn I loved myself. When I went to Afghanistan I didn't worry, I never worried because she never hinted anythign was wrong. She wrote me letter after letter which I saved and read when I felt alone or missed her or saw somethign ugly. It was very calmign and I grew to need her even more in spite of the fact that we were 12,000 miles apart. Meanwhile I don't knwo exactly what happened with her I spend everynight wondering but I think the bottom line is she meant a guy named James. I woudl really love to break a beer bottle in his face it wouldn't fix anythign but it would definatley make me feel better. it isn't in the letter she wrote me but it is pretty much in her blog if you read between the lines. Well this first letter is what I wrote her after she told me she needed time, I was still In Afghanistan not even half way through my tour.


I have been thinking about this all day and night now and we are done Tanya I am not going to give you vague clues over various weeks and ask for time like you however because I just came to this conclusion today and I think you deserve to know exactly why if you love me half as much as I love or loved you, you deserve to have real reasons so I am goign to tell you about everything that has brought me to this decision, when I was gone for that month we got attacked a most people got to go inside but we had to stay out to do our job really only Irwin or I did but she was shaky and it didn't seem right to leave her out there. They would shout incoming and you could here the rockets whistling in and it was a long wait before they hit I was not so scared of dying I was scared of never seeing you again I layed down on the ground with my face in the dirt just hoping that I didn't get blown up so that I could see you again that's all I wanted, but that wasn't what really affected me the most. We used to go down to this border checkpoint and work from there sometimes and there were friendly Afghan soldiers who worked thier they would bring us tea we would talk about cars and girls just soldier things. One of them asked me if I was married and I said no I was engaged and I showed him the picture of you that I keep in my wallet and he said you were beautiful I said thank you and we drank tea then we went back to the firebase a few nights later they attacked the checkpoint they wounded 6 of them 2 were real bad when they finally got down to the checkpoint and brought them back to the firebase he was on a stretcher bleeding from the neck the whole back of the truck was covered in blood you could smell it wasn't like the movies he didn't make any gestures or any thign he just looked up at me. Well they couldn't get them medevaced for 8 hours they said it was too dark no moon for night vision and he died then that same night they accidently dropped the bomb on that house and killed the women and little girls the girls were so little they put 2 of them in each body bag I didn't want to tell you about all this I didn't think I had to I knew because of all your letters that I had saved and read when I needed you that when I got back here I would call you and you would tell me how much you loved me that when I got back you would hold me that you would lay your head on my chest and we would go to sleep together and I wouldn't see these things at night anymore that you loved me so much you would take care of me without even knowing you were doing it that was how soothing your love was for me that is how it has always been and I felt certain of it it was hard for me to talk to you frokm their but when I got here I figured you would take care of me like before and instead you ignored me didn't write and were really cold on the telephone when I needed you most I wanted to spend my life with you because of how good you made me feel but on top of everything else happenign to me you just brushed me off and the truth is nothing has ever hurt me so much and if you can do this to me after just a few weeks of not talking a lot than there is no way we could ever succeed in a life of marriage and so it's over. I hope this makes sense to you it seems very clear to me now. You wanted time you can have all the time in the world. If you could send the ring to my mom I would appreciate it please send it insured.

Later I tried to work things out but she just ignored me was rude and gave me the standard lines haha. Finally she wrote me this.

Hi Mc,

I guess it's time that I finally respond to all of your emails. I have been thinking a lot about our situation and I honestly think that this, breaking up, is the best for us. When I told you that I love you, it was the truth, but it's no more than the love I have for my friends. When we got together, I was at a crossroads in my life and I was trying to find a purpose for my life or at least a place in life to belong. I became a "girlfriend"and, at the time, that was better than being the unemployed recent college graduate. I told you before that I honestly would have been perfectly content if we had never seen each other after our first date and it had nothing to do with being "satisfied" like you said. I would have gone on with my life, continued with my job search, and gone on dates occasionally, but you told me that I was your girlfriend and I didn't have the heart to say otherwise. At first, I went along with things because a sort of feeling of obligation. I never told you this, but when my family dropped me off in North Carolina from Florida, I had changed my mind about staying with you already and I just wanted to keep driving and go home with them. It had nothing to do with you, it was more like I sort of knew that I was losing sight of my original goals, which were to find and establish a career and move out on my own again. Somehow I got caught up along the way and I just sort of rode the wave of excitement that came with being in a new relationship. I didn't realize that I was losing myself that way. I hate to say this, but you could have been anyone and the results would probably have been the same. I am so sorry for everything. You said that you think even though I am an extrovert, there are probably a lot of things that I have hidden from you. It's true. There are so many things about me that you wouldn't understand...that even I am only beginning to understand and it wouldn't be right for me to say that I will spend the rest of my life with you when I don't even fully know who I am. It's not fair to you and I honestly cannot give you the love that you want and deserve. The only thing I want to do right now is focus on myself. I know that sounds selfish, but this is one of the rare chances in life that I will ever get to justify this kind of selfishness. Things are starting to work out for me career-wise and I am already starting to feel more sure of myself now that I've got a clearer idea of where I am headed and of what I want with my life. Only after I've figured out all of my issues that I have hidden can I allow myself to open up to someone. I just don't see that happening any time soon. I know you will probably say that opening up to someone about these problems will help me, but I know myself enough to know that that isn't the case here. These are things that I have to work out on my own or else I will feel like I've failed somehow.

I just don't think things can ever work out between us. I have always defined love as finding the person that you can't live without, and the thing is, I can see myself living without you. I feel so horrible for saying that, but it's true. You talked about how great Savannah was and I find it so strange how it was so different for me. You looked forward to coming back to the hotel and finding me on the couch, but so often I wanted to run out of there and escape. And I did find a few ways to escape--going to the Barnes & Noble at the mall, taking my time in the laundry room upstairs, even going to the vending machine to get a soda. For some reason, those were the moments where I felt like I could breathe easy.

Whenever I do decide to give myself to someone again, I want to feel like I am loved for who I am. It's one thing to make your partner feel sexy, it's another thing to make that person feel like a sexual object. Despite all the times you told me that you loved me for more than just sex, I never felt it. I always felt like all you wanted from me was sex, which might partially explain why I didn't open up to you. That is one thing I will never get over--that I felt like sex was all you, or anyone, for that matter, wanted me for. It will take me a long time to trust any man's intentions, which is fine with me because I don't want to be with anyone at all for a long time. I really just want to get my life together, and I am well on my way to doing that. I am really sorry. I know that it must be hard to read all this, but it's just as hard to write. I'm sorry that things couldn't work out the way you would have liked, but I really do think that this is all for the best. Like you said before, I just want to get this all over with and get on with my life. I am trying really hard to get your car and your things to North Carolina as soon as possible. I'll let you know when that is all done. After that, maybe it would be best to keep our distance from each other for a while. I'm not saying that you should leave me alone for the rest of my life, just that maybe it would be best to give it some time before we write or talk to each other again. I won't say sorry again because I know it probably hurts every time I say it, but take care of yourself out there and good luck with everything. I wish you the best and I mean it.

Take care, Tanya

It is funny I am sitting here and I am wondering how could I be so oblivious to the feelings of the woman that I loved more than I loved myself. I was though apparently maybe James would never have happened if I had been more in tune with her, maybe if we hadn't had sex so quickly after we met, maybe if I didn't like sex so much. Maybe if she told me it bugged her instead of lying to me and sayign she liked? I wasn't the one lying I wasn't the one doing the wrong thing every time I told her I loved her I meant it I loved her so much it hurt so much it still hurts. Really hurts though in my soul pain so deep it knaws away at my very being on a daily basis. The funny thing was what she wrote on her blog after this letter.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003 Today I wrote some of the most evil lyrics I have ever written in my whole life. Just how evil, you ask? Here's a sample:

As you watch the sun go down, does your heart sink lower still? Refresh my memory, please, of all the shit you thought I should feel, Remorse is second to last on my list next to the so-called love we'll never share, So here's one last "fuck you" to ponder Let it fester in your despair

I admit it's not very nice, but oh well. I can be mean sometimes, can't I? So there it is, I choose to be mean right now. Screw you. posted by Tanya at 9:41 PM

What a bitch why does some small part of me still love her?

The Bitch's Blog

A lonely Soldier types somewhat interesting thoughts.

11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003 /

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